'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: More Bloodshed, and More Cheryl

Cheryl. Is. Here. The first thing she does is call Veronica and Betty “Humpty” and “Dumpty." Thank God. Josie is the Riverdale Vixens’ newest recruit, but she has one request: to be in front. Betty asks Cheryl if the Vixens would perform at their “Save Pop’s” event, to which she replies, “I did not emerge from the frozen depths of Sweetwater River nor the flames of Thornhill to allow my Vixens to sling milkshakes at some death-cursed diner." She's a national treasure.

Archie finds out about Ms. Grundy getting murdered, and he flips. He obviously thinks this hit and his father's shooting are connected, and he asks Alice Cooper to investigate. Because Grundy was strangled with a cello bow and Fred was shot, Alice says the likelihood of the crimes being committed by the same person is slim. Obviously, Archie doesn’t believe this. He thinks Grundy’s unstable ex committed both crimes, but Sheriff Keller shuts down his hysterics. Again, just drink your juice, Archie.

In a heated confrontation at the Lodge house, Hiram claims he isn’t responsible for Fred’s shooting. Veronica then asks Hiram about the letter she received that said Hermione would get hurt if she didn’t testify on his behalf. As it turns out, Hermione herself wrote that letter to coerce Veronica into testifying. This family is shady, shady, shady (but also sexy, so it's fine).

Jughead and Betty go to Cheryl's new house to beg Cheryl and her creepy mom to accept F.P.'s in-court apology. Cheryl calls Betty and Jughead “Hobo” and “Bride of Hobo" and refuses their request.

But wait! Dark Betty makes a brief, psycho appearance to blackmail Cheryl into testifying on F.P.’s behalf; she says she’ll wide-release the video of Clifford Blossom shooting Jason if Cheryl doesn't. Cheryl complies—and even tells the court Clifford threatened F.P. to force him into covering up Jason’s murder. Damn. After Cheryl does this, Betty honors her word and gives Jason's death tape back.

A chat with Jughead suddenly gives Veronica a change of heart about her hot-but-evil parents: She wants to start over with them, but this is a bad idea. Hiram and Hermione told Veronica they made a “charitable donation” to save Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe; however, they actually bought it from under Pop's nose.

Wait! Hermione lied! Hiram really did write that letter threatening Hermione's life if Veronica didn’t testify for him. And they definitely have a suspicious agenda for buying the Chock'lit Shoppe! These two are slimy snakes, and Veronica has no idea! S.O.S!

At the "Save Pop's" event, Archie can't stop staring at this dude in the parking lot wearing glasses. His name is Dilton Doiley, and Archie apparently asked him to get him a gun. They meet on a deserted bridge to complete the transaction. Archie's officially off the rails.

But not as off the rails as this masked shooter. At the end of the episode, he shoots two more people: Midge and Moose, who were high off the "Jingle Jangle" Reggie gave them. More carnage! Why is this friggin' show so violent now?!? I need an adult.