Ask a Guy: "Why Does He Always Get Defensive When I Try to Talk to Him?"

There are some questions about men that only a guy can answer. We asked the dudes at guyspeak.com (read more about them here), for their take on this dating conundrum:

Q: My guys says I often put him on the defensive when I talk to him about something that is bothering me. I don't do it intentionally nor do I realize I am doing it. Is this a ploy to make me feel bad? If not, how do I reform my ways?

I don't know. It depends on how you approach him with your complaints.

If you confront him with anger and accusations, he will react as anyone would: defensively. No one likes to fall short, and even constructive criticism can sting. If you do it with a pointed finger, you will never get the results you want. Over many years of marriage I've learned that bringing up issues with your partner is like petting a wild badger: it won't be pleasant no matter how you do it, but if you're gentle, you're less likely to lose an appendage.

People also get defensive if you are constantly on their case about something. Voicing your concerns and working through problems are healthy in a relationship, but if you have issues with your guy all the time, he'll eventually stop listening and just turn bitter.

If neither of these applies to you, if you feel like you are fair and kind when you approach him with complaints, then how he reacts is on him. When you get right down to it, we can't really make someone feel a certain way unless they choose it. We can push them toward a reaction, but how they feel is ultimately up to them. That's why I think that claiming someone else made you feel a certain way is frequently a cop-out, a way for us to skirt responsibility and deflect blame back on our accuser—consciously or not—when we know we've done something wrong and they are calling us on it. A sort of misdirection play, if you will.