Ask Emily: Why Do I Keep Falling for Toxic Relationships?

Once this pattern is repeated a few times, you subconsciously start to seek out people who hurt you or who are bad for you. You’re drawn to the guy who takes you out for an amazing date that ends with earth-shattering sex and breakfast in bed, only to ghost you a week later. During the positive experience, dopamine is being released and making you feel great. Then, when your partner withdraws, all you can think about is getting your next “fix.” The fancy term for this cycle is “intermittent reinforcement,” and it consists of receiving rewards (hot dates and a dozen roses) at inconsistent intervals. It’s the back-and-forth that gets us addicted, and when it comes to the bad boys, the back-and-forth is what they’re best at, baby.

Whether you’re in a relationship that makes you feel like your partner really loves you (when he isn’t threatening to burn your house down), or you’re dating a “tough nut to crack” who you totally think you can change, the end result is always the same: You become attached to the tune he’s playing on your heart strings, whether it’s sweet and romantic or sketchy and dangerous.

But before you freak out and check yourself into relationship rehab, here’s the good news: Knowing how our brains respond to toxic relationships makes it easier to move on. Because, you know, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

The powerful, obsessive bonds we feel with these “bad boys” come from our biochemical makeup—not our personal morals or standards. The dopamine released in these situations causes our brains to associate pleasure with the painful aspects of our relationship. So the key to overcoming your bad-boy addiction is to reverse the cycle with new and healthy experiences.

That means taking off your rose-color glasses and seeing your relationship for what it truly is. Once you can honestly address the underlying cause of your attraction to a toxic relationship and the behavioral patterns that got you into it, you can start taking steps to relearn what a truly healthy relationship should look like.

Take the time to invest in productive and positive ways to distract yourself from the pull of the bad boy—whether it’s a new exercise class, music, cultivating a new hobby, or pursuing an interest or passion that was on the back burner while you prioritized your relationship with a not-so-great guy. Substitute the unhealthy “drug” (an unstable relationship) with healthier rewards and obsessions. With enough time and effort, you’ll be able to find a person who truly nourishes and nurtures you, rather than someone who leaves you feeling starved and desperate for the next drop of a table crumb.

XX Emily

Emily Morse is a doctor of human sexuality and host of the top-rated iTunes podcast Sex With Emily. As an expert, author, and star of television and radio programs, she has inspired millions of listeners and followers to make sex a priority, enhance communication, and strengthen their relationships. To learn more or to subscribe to her podcast, visit sexwithemily.com.