Bachelor in Paradise Recap Episode 4

Moment #5: Clare taking Zack to task. Zack's indifference at Cody making a play for Clare was perhaps inevitable: He has never pretended to be anything other than a sleepy-eyed Pound Puppy, and as I recall, Pound Puppies don't have spines. But as someone who's made part of a living calling Clare crazy, I commend her even handling of the situation. It would have been so easy for her to use Cody like a Kleenex just to piss Zack off, but she didn't. Even though Cody basically begged her to. Side note: As I feared, Cody is not faring any better in Tulum than he did in Venice. I am really rooting for him and hope someone who can appreciate the sweet heart buried under 10 cubic feet of pecs shows up soon.

Moment #6: Michelle Money turning down Kalon. And if you still doubt Money's status as the Bachelor universe's foremost feminist icon (everything's relative, OK?), know this: She was not about to go spelunking with Kalon after he equated another mother's daughter to "baggage."

Moment #7: Everyone turning down Kalon, or otherwise talking s—t on him. Kalon might be able to rent a helicopter, but he could not buy a date on last night's episode. As his sunburn deepened, he begged for companionship all over the beach, but no one would have him. And every girl who discussed him in confessional mode more or less had her mouth blurred the whole time. By the way: If you thought it was pitiful watching him go on his "adventure" alone, remember: In real life, he wasn't alone. He was spinning on a rope solo while cameramen and crew members laughed at him, which is even worse.

Moment #8: Burn notice, AshLee. AshLee slut-shaming Clare was an open-and-shut case of unnecessary girl-on-girl violence, even though, God love her, AshLee did her best to make it seem more complicated than that. I loved when she just openly tried to flip the script by purring, "I'm not upset with you, Clare. I don't think you did anything wrong." Bahaha! Sorry, toots. Not even that extra uppercase L in your name can save you now.

Now that all that pesky Emmy stuff has cleared out, I'll be live-tweeting part 2 tonight. Follow me here!