Sarah Silverman Opens Up About Her Battle With Depression and Her Gutsiest Career Move Yet

A few years ago, I casually said something in an interview about being afraid to have kids because I might pass depression on to them, but I don't know if I feel that way anymore. I like to think I would therapy through it (instead of helicoptering around my kids in horror that something is wrong with them, like my character Laney). A part of me is baby crazy. A part of me goes, Why not? And every day I add "Freeze eggs?" to the end of my to-do list. Then it keeps getting passed on to the next day's list. Maybe I'll adopt.

I do have sorrow about the possibility that I may never have my own children. And I still have downward spirals, days when I have to drag myself onstage to do stand-up or I'm just tweeting Morrissey lyrics from my bed. But there's one thing I know that I used to not know: It will pass. And it does. Usually after 24 hours or so of wallowing in depressing music and being the Sylvia Plath of social media, a friend will reach out: "Are you OK? I saw that tweet." And I'll sort of snap to it, brush myself off, and get back to life. I've learned that keeping busy is a good thing for me. Like my mom always said, you just have to be brave enough to exist through it.

That lesson, above anything, helped me get through filming I Smile Back, which, I'm not gonna lie, was not a great 20 days. After we wrapped and I'd finally shed the heaviness of it, I was so glad I made this movie. It may not have been fun, but it was the next best thing: It was scary. That makes you grow. Besides, I'm not short on happiness in my life. I love having lunch with my friends. I love the belly laughs that come out of a writers' room. I love taking a hot bath on a cold day. I love listening to talk radio. I love my boyfriend, and I want to spend my life with him.

I wouldn't wish depression on anyone. But if you ever experience it, or are experiencing it right now, just know that on the other side, the little joys in life will be that much sweeter. The tough times, the days when you're just a ball on the floor—they'll pass. You're playing the long game, and life is totally worth it.

Sarah Silverman is an actress, comedian, and the star of I Smile Back*, out October 23. She's also the author of the memoir The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee. If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or go to crisistextline.org; the National Alliance on Mental Illness (800-950-6264) also provides support and local referrals.*