The Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Breakup Rumors Are Just Getting Absurd
Sebastian Wright
Updated on March 29, 2026
“He’s really bored by her whole Hollywood crowd, and she’s not into his edgy, arty scene," a source told Page Six, which makes Theroux sound like a kid hyped up on sugar who can't sit still at the doctor's office. If you're just "bored," then you put on Netflix. You don't get a divorce. Also, let's chew on "edgy, arty scene" for a sec. I will eat my own arm if Theroux is making clay pots shaped like avocado toast at some warehouse in Brooklyn every weekend. Color me skeptical.
6. Aniston was pissed about Theroux's partying and desire to hang out with cool art people.
This report alleges Aniston just couldn't hang with Theroux's cool, artsy crowd in New York City, which apparently includes Selena Gomez's "Fetish" and "Bad Liar" collaborator Petra Collins. LOL, OK. I have a hard time believing Justin Theroux, who played a villain with a bad Irish accent in Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle, is some downtown, dumpster-diving, Alamo Drafthouse–attending hipster who loves black coffee and hates Aveeno body wash. Also, Aniston isn't some fragile duchess locked in her Smart Water–sponsored castle, either. The skater boy—or should I say sk8er boi—can hang with the ballerina, and Avril Lavigne won't write an angsty song about it. This isn't eleventh grade.
Because there's always another woman. The Enquirer suggests Theroux's ex Heidi Bivens is to blame for the demise of his relationship with Aniston, and because, what, did she send Theroux a happy birthday text and a holiday ficus? Exes keep in contact, people. It's not unheard-of. This is honestly so ludicrous and insulting.
4. Theroux and Aniston were never legally married.
TMZ rattles off some legal mumbo-jumbo here about Aniston and Theroux's mysterious marriage license, but this is such a stretch. There was a wedding in 2015. With photographs! Aniston and Theroux didn't just call all their adult friends and say, "We're going to have a play wedding. Please come." This isn't a 15-year-old's murder mystery birthday party, and Justin Theroux isn't Count Olaf.
3. Aniston was upset Theroux once hugged Naomi Watts.
Yup. That's right: a hug. A hug. The Daily Mail seems to think Aniston was so fired up about Watts and Theroux embracing for five seconds that it put their marriage on a downward spiral. I haven't heard a story this insane since my friend in high school determined her crush didn't like her because he hugged me a millisecond longer than her. Spoiler alert: Both me and that guy are gay.
2. Aniston reportedly wanted a baby early in her relationship with Theroux.
For the love of surrogacy, people need to stop thinking Aniston is Princess Fiona in Shrek, trapped in a tower, waiting for a guy to rescue her and start a family. This is 2018. If Aniston wanted a baby, she could have one. There are so many options at Aniston's disposal. Maybe she doesn't want kids? Perhaps her $200 million fortune and friendship with Courteney Cox is enough. (That'd certainly be enough for me.)
1. Theroux was upset after finding Post-it notes Pitt wrote Aniston back in the day
The Us Weekly editors are clearly watching a little too much Berger-era Sex and the City because the friggin' Post-it notes foiled yet another blond comedy star's relationship. Aside from it being absurd, just think about the logistics: These are supposedly Post-it notes from 20 years ago, so they probably wouldn't be legible in 2018—if they even exist, period. You mean to tell me Aniston hung on to little slips of paper with Pitt's sappy scribbles for this long…and they're not damaged at all? I wrote a sticky note to myself two days ago, and it's nowhere to be found now. Next.
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