Why Can’t I Orgasm? 6 Causes and How to Work Through Them

In my practice as a certified sex therapist and in my work as a neuroscientist studying pleasure, there’s one question I hear a lot: Why can’t I orgasm?

Having a regular stream of orgasms isn’t just about having a good sex life; it’s about prioritizing pleasure—something that’s beneficial for our brains and bodies, as I discuss here in my Ask Dr. Nan column and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters.

In past columns we have explored what an orgasm is and how it feels, as well as various types of orgasm (clitoral, nipple, and vaginal/cervical). This week we will address one of the most urgent and common of concerns for which clients seek my services—usually expressed with a little embarrassment: “Why can’t I orgasm?”

Getting reliable data about how many women suffer from orgasmic dysfunction, which is how difficulty having an orgasm is generally described, isn’t easy. There’s big variability in how dysfunction is defined, how questions are phrased, who is sampled, and other technical issues too boring to discuss, but recent data indicate that 16% to 25% percent of women in places like the U.S., Australia, Canada, and Sweden, report these challenges. In other countries where cultural attitudes about sex are more negative, rates are significantly higher. (A whopping 74% of women in Ghana report orgasmic dysfunction, for example.)

“Anorgasmia,” as it’s scientifically referred to, can be situational. You may be able to orgasm during certain circumstances—for example, when masturbating alone but not when your partner is present, or not during sexual intercourse. That’s pretty common actually—”mild” anorgasmia like this has been reported to affect up to 60 percent of women.

So what can you do about it? Let’s dig into the common reasons women can’t orgasm and how to address them.

1. You haven’t practiced.

In my clinical work, I’ve found that for women who’ve never ever had an orgasm, the most common cause is simply insufficient practice masturbating.

Orgasm isn’t just the result of a glass of nice wine, a little Marvin Gaye, and some fairy dust; it’s a learned skill. I’ve studied the sensory pathways from the genitals to the brain’s pleasure machinery—connecting and strengthening them is what makes orgasms possible and easier to access.

Males appear to have an easier time discovering how to masturbate to orgasm than females. This may be in part due to biology—an erect penis is hard to ignore—in combination with a culture that more readily accepts male masturbation as the norm. So it isn’t surprising that discovering our orgasm capacity may not be automatic for women.

The solution: If anorgasmia is persistent, masturbate. And while you are doing that, Kegel, Kegel, Kegel. Kegel practice can be the single most powerful tool in ramping up the orgasm machinery. Helpful hint: Use a vibrator (and don’t worry about diminishing your sensitivity—that’s a myth).

2. You’ve experienced sexual trauma or shame.

Our culture bombards us with conflicting and creepy messages about our sexuality: You should have a perfect body. You should be a sex object. You shouldn’t enjoy sex too much or have too many partners, because that makes you a slut.